Charles W Jones, Author - Blog

If you expect exceptional horror from Blumhouse, you should reconsider your life choices. (Yes, I’m talking to myself.) They absolutely ruined the Halloween franchise with Halloween Ends (2022). It begins with a “babysitting” scene, and I think, oh fun, Michael is starting right away. But nope. What does happen is brutal and good, but had they paid attention to the other films in the series, they would’ve known it didn’t quite fit.  Then it jumps ahead three years, cool, fine, whatever, with Corey getting his bearings on life. He works as a mechanic for his uncle. This is followed by a lot of nothing except that Laurie is writing her memoirs, but still, it’s nothing magical. Oh, and the budding relationship between Corey and Laurie’s granddaughter, Allyson, was OK if I wanted to watch a romance, though it was a dark romance.  Now we get to the part where we jump around with Corey, the high school bullies, and Michael in the sewers under Haddonfield. And this is where it really...

Jakob’s Wife (2021) isn’t what I expected, but had I watched the trailer first. I probably would’ve stayed away. Anne Fedder is Pastor Jakob Fedder’s wife and feels like her husband, or anyone else doesn’t take her seriously. While having a meeting with an old boyfriend from high school, Anne finds herself in peril from a dangerous entity. OK, I’m going to stop there. Because saying more would chase you away from this film ultimately….then again, maybe I should continue because I don’t want you to waste your time. If you’ve seen Once Bitten (1985), you don’t need to go through the whole thing again. The difference is it’s a middle-aged woman who was bitten. At least the gore was good because the acting wasn’t. “The Master,” played by Bonnie Aarons (The Nun (2018) and a bunch of other stuff I’ve never seen), is good too. The Nosferatu style of this vampire was a good touch, but not enough to make me really like what I saw. I gave Jakob’s Wife 2 out of 5 Stars. Jakob's Wi...

Student Body (2022) was so dull that I wondered why students must wear school uniforms but the teachers don’t. The first twenty minutes (yes, I tortured myself for the entire thing) were high school drama with a mean teacher and a jock that did five pull-ups to get the honor of being the school mascot. No stabby-stabby yet. With fifty-five minutes left and still nothing happening, I wonder why I give so much time to shit films. I mean, I do have the option of turning it off at any time. Then a group of friends broke into the school. I guess they are the main cast, but I kinda lost who was who by this point. I don’t understand why they’re there since they hate the place. The longest four minutes of my life pass, and I, again, wonder why I’m torturing myself.  Finally, with 44 minutes left, something happened, and it was bleh. They didn’t show the aftermath of the kid getting bludgeoned with a sledgehammer, and the blood was too thick. Thankfully, it picked up from there; well, kinda...

So this might sound strange, but I found The Farm (2018) kinda hot. I can’t give more details because I’m not sure why. The story is so overdone. I should’ve turned it off because it wasn’t anything new. And the acting, well, let’s just say, I’m glad most of the characters didn’t speak behind their animal farm masks. The suspense wasn’t really since I’ve seen it so many times before in other films of the same type. The gore and shock value wasn’t horrible, though it wasn’t enough to make The Farm spectacular. Nope nothing new here, and I won’t say more about it, except you can skip it or not. Maybe, you should see it to explain to me why I thought it was kind of hot.   I gave The Farm 2 out of 5 Stars.

I had contemplated not writing a review for Erasurehead (1977) because I’m not sure what I saw. It’s a black and white film probably to cover up the low budget factor of the effects. Also, in the beginning, I thought it was a silent film as no one speaks until Henry Spencer returns home and his neighbor tells him of a dinner invitation from his girlfriend. From what I’ve read about Eraserhead, it is considered ‘body horror,’ though it’s not like anything else I’ve seen in this sub-genre. The effects weren’t as bad as I originally led you to believe, I just can’t wrap my head around what I saw. I don’t know what “the man in the planet” had to do with anything. Even after sitting on writing this review for a few days, I still don’t know what this movie was about. The child that Mary X insisted was Henry’s was gross, so that’s a good thing. But again, it didn’t make sense. Well at least, it’s another film that I can take off my watch list. I’m not sure why this film was even ma...

It’s been so long since I’ve seen A Return to Salem’s Lot ( 1987 ), it felt like seeing it for the first time, and just as long since seeing the miniseries from 1979 that spun this sequel. I wish I would’ve left it as a faded memory, and not ruined it because this has to be one of the worst films ever made. Axel says I have a drinking problem. Mrs. Axel I’m not sure which is worse, the acting or the vampire costume/makeup or the fake skin? Well, at least Michael Minard’s musical score is good, but not good enough to redeem the whole of A Return to Salem’s Lot. The setting is another shining gem in this tarnished crown. The story wasn’t horrible, and it had an interesting ask from the vampires. Then out of nowhere, they throw in an aging Nazi Hunter, who helps Joseph and Jeremy escape. I still don’t get the need to have a Nazi Hunter, but I guess it made sense at the time, more sense than vampires breeding; and I thought sparkling was a reach. I’m amused that this awkwardly embarrassing...

A Clüsterfünke Christmas (2021) is not what I expected. I thought since it was on Comedy Central, it would be funnier, but alas, it was like a super extended Saturday Night Light skit that just wouldn’t end. Well, that’s not all it was. Let’s not forget that it wasn’t much different from movies on a channel that I still will not mention. It follows Holly, who is sent to a strange little town to buy the Clüsterfünke Inn. As new characters were introduced, I hoped it would get better, but sadly it didn’t. The slapstick comedy in it was good, and there were some funny parts. Those things didn’t keep from getting a bit queasy. I probably would’ve turned it off had it not been for Cheyenne Jackson. Too bad he didn’t take his shirt off randomly. It might have made this feeble attempt to parody romantic Christmas movies more palatable. If you haven’t seen A Clüsterfünke Christmas, I don’t recommend it. If you have and enjoyed it, no judgment from me. There’s tons of stuff that goes the other ...

Is The Crimson Cult ( 1968 ) a BDSM movie? Exploitation? Sadly, it’s not either. It’s a strange mystery, I guess, but it’s not horror, and barely horror-lite. Altar is the British name for the film. It stars Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, Mark Eden, and Virginia Wetherell, and it was distributed by American International Pictures. This is another film that received a new title when it arrived in the USA: The Crimson Cult. It was based on the short story The Dreams in the Witch House by H. P. Lovecraft. Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s like Boris Karloff is going to pop up at any moment. Robert Manning The few glimpses of men in S&M gear isn’t enough, nor is Karloff’s extraordinary performance pushing to make this movie any better, though, unfortunately, he couldn’t even save it. The set is beautiful, a standard of AIP, but, again, when it’s a flop you can throw anything at it and it’s not going to change the pig wearing lipstick. I agree with The Monthly Film Bulletin (36 (42...

Based on the title I kind of thought Cry_Wolf ( 2005 ) was a werewolf movie, then I saw the movie poster, and I knew it wasn’t, then it turned into a slasher movie, but ended up as a teen “revenge” movie. The opening scene gave me hope that it was gonna a great slasher film, too bad it didn’t stay great. I don’t mean to say it didn’t have some great moments, it did, but not enough to wow me. The game they played was definitely like something I would’ve played in high school or college, and been one of the first eliminated. I still don’t know how I feel about Jon Bon Jovi acting; he wasn’t horrible, it was just strange for me. I like the prank of creating a fictional serial killer and his kills, then emailing it to the entire school. At times, I wasn’t sure if it was a continuation of the prank or if there really was a killer, so I give them kudos for that. Unfortunately, if you’re gonna market as a Slasher, you better slash and give me gore. That being said, I can only give Cry_Wolf 2 ...

Full, crescent, quarter…each is a bad moon for a werewolf. First off, I want to tell you that I didn’t like Bad Moon ( 1996 ) that much. It had so much potential to be good, but failed. There are good parts, like the beginning with the werewolf attack, even though the beast was very stiff. My attention was caught at this scene, and the reason I continued to watch. The term “flopsy” was weird, referring to the grifter that came to Janet’s home. I’ve never read Thor by Wayne Smith, so I don’t know if this was a term that he used in the book. From reading about this book, I wish they would’ve spent more time to focus on the dog’s point of view in the movie as it would’ve been better even with the horrible werewolf costume. I think the werewolf is what bugs me the most about this film. American Werewolf in London, The Howling, and even Silver Bullet had better werewolves than this one. The mouth was in this weird position like it had dislocated its jaw. Now, the gore effects were good, tho...

Just because a movie has an exciting poster doesn’t mean it’s going to be good. Darkness Rising ( 2017 ) that looks good on the surface with a poster that caught my attention, too bad it didn’t hold my interest; it wasn’t like I had anything else to do on a Sunday. It had creepy moments like the hand in the shower, and the doll’s eyes moving, but these weren’t enough to keep me from drifting off as I watched. Speaking of the doll, its empty eye sockets bled at one point, which was cool, but I don’t understand where it fits in with everything else. Jake losing his eye was a nice touch as was the girl bleaching her eyes, but why the dark eyes? It wasn’t original, and the only reason for it was the attempt to convey possession. There were so many random elements in this film, it was like they were going along, and someone said, ‘Hey why don’t we do this?’ and everyone shrugged because they didn’t have a better idea, and they went with it. Something that irritated me was the set. It suppos...

Witchfinder General ( 1968 ) (aka The Conqueror Worm) is a collaboration between Tigon British Film Productions and American International Pictures. For the American release, AIP changed the name to Edgar Allan Poe’s The Conqueror Worm to link to other Corman/Poe movies they created. I’m not sure how brilliant that was since this has nothing to do with any of Poe’s stories and is based on Ronald Bassett’s historical fiction novel Witchfinder General. The Witch Trials have never made sense to me. How does it make sense that they are a witch if they can swim or float? A lot of people can do these things. So then if they survived, they were hung. OK. So if they were a witch, then couldn’t they get out of the noose? Thank the celluloid gods that Monty Python went after this. For the most part, Witchfinder General is boring, which is unexpected for AIP (maybe, that’s why they changed the name to add a little excitement). It’s more of a dark romance than horror or even thriller. Matthew...

Finally, I got something to write about. A ghost that offers turndown service. Mike Enslin Just because Stephen King wrote 1408 ( 2007 ) doesn’t mean it’s good enough to make a movie. This is one that should’ve been left alone. It’s based on a short story, (I haven’t read it, and have no intentions) feeling like a deleted scene from the Shining. It’s about author Mike Enslin’s quest to finding an actual haunted hotel room. When he learns about room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel, he wants to stay in it. The hotel gives him the runaround, building up his desire to stay in it. Finally, they give in, letting him stay in the room. From one moment to the next, he believes then doesn’t, to thinking he was drugged from the liquor the manager gave him. Then he thinks it’s a dream but still wants out of the room. If you were dreaming, you’d be safe. Once he was on the ledge, wouldn’t the power be taken away from the entity? So much doesn’t make sense in this movie; the electrical barrier in th...

Night of the Lepus ( 1972 ), aka Rabbits, begins with a believable newscast about the environment and rabbits’ overpopulation. Well, if you live where I do, you know the rabbit population is enormous. This film is like Empire of the Ants (1977) or Food of the Gods (1976) – rather, those films are like Night of the Lepus – with giant animals attacking humans. This has a strange Spaghetti Western vibe with a mix of early 70s Science Fiction, making an interesting combination that tried hard to work together. The cast is impressive with DeForest Kelley and tons of others that I know by sight but couldn’t tell you who they are or what else they took a role. What amazes me about the cast the most is that any of them agreed to be in a cheese-fest such as this. The amount of gore is satisfying. I love the 70s blood effects. It’s like they went to the hardware store and bought gallons of red paint. If anyone were to do blood this way today, they’d be snubbed so hard. I got bored wit...

So this is weird, somehow I recorded The Eye ( 2008 ) remake and The Eye 2 (2004). I decided rather than talking about them separately that I’d do a strange mash-up of sorts and put them together in one post. Jessica Alba stars in The Eye remake, and it bugs me how much product placement there is. I know other films do it, this one just seems heavy. Moving away from that, I love the opening sequence with the Demonoid attacking a woman in a strange room. There are so many details that are wrong in this film. One is that when the doctor removes the bandages from her eyes, the room is way too bright. Seriously, she’s lived in darkness since she was 12 (I think is what they said). I know from experience from having Lasik that the light hurts after, so I can only imagine what it’d be like in this situation. Another detail that bugged me is the fact that she can also hear the spirits/visions. Then I was like, well maybe she heard them when she was blind but didn’t know it. The one thing I mu...

I’m not sure why they named this Ghoulies ( 1985 ) , it seems Satanic Pets or something like that would be more fitting. The Ghoulies themselves don’t really play much in the film besides filler. Had they done something more exciting like Gremlins, maybe, this would’ve been better. And just think, there’s a total of four in the franchise; I will not put myself through all of them, or you. They call me Dick…but, you can call me, Dick. Dick The Ghoulies puppets are gross, and at the same time cool, I just wish they would’ve gotten more screen time. The ritual at the beginning is creepy, then the movie is just blasé as we wait for anything to happen. When it does, it’s not like the mayhem is explosive. The strangest thing is seeing Mariska Hargitay in something so horrendous, but I guess she had to take roles like this to get her break in the business. I love how Jonathan’s pupils are never in the same spot when they turn toxic green. Another great scene is when Dick gets tongued…yeah, th...

Spirits of the Dead ( 1968 ) is a strange anthology film containing three Poe stories. While American International Pictures didn’t produce this film, they distributed the English version; I watched the French/Italian version. It’s strange that not all the voices can be heard as they are erased from the soundtrack. I wonder if it’s the same in the English version. The “Metzengerstein” segment is about a young heiress who is into orgies and other wild acts. The costuming and sets are well imagined. This story is just strange, being French or not. I think if I’d seen the English version, I’d have thought the same. I don’t recall reading this poem as maybe if I had, I would have better insight on it. However, as they displayed it in this anthology, I’m not a fan. Next is the “William Wilson” segment and is the tale of a man who has a doppelgänger; well, another young man has the same name, but they don’t look the same. In one scene, I’m convinced that the cadaver wa...

I remember seeing ads for The Boy ( 2015 ) on ChillerTV when it was still a thing and was interested in what it was. The bits that I saw back then reminded me of Children of the Corn meets Pumpkinhead. Imagine my disappointment when I finally saw it three years later on SYFY VOD. Chiller Films should be ashamed, for this boring piece of art, if I wanted to see something so bland I’d watch home movies of growing up in Wyoming. I should correct that a bit, it had some good parts, and some disturbing parts, too bad most of that was at the end of the movie. Normally, when the soundtrack gets intense it means something awesome is about to happen, not with this movie; it got all stoked ready for climax and all the Boy does is steal some ashes from a motel patron’s room. I’m not a fan of this movie called The Boy (the one from 2016 is much better,) and I can only give it 2 Stars. The Boy (2015) #HorrorMovie Click To Tweet   [media_video id=”b3a94eece4b05ecd1466f3bef38cc57b...

Wrong Turn ( 2003 ) is the perfect title for this film and how I felt after it was over. To say I was bored with what I was seeing is an understatement. Especially with something that I figured was going to be a terrifying event. The beginning was freaky, so I thought I was going to get a full-throttle experience. It’s in the vein of The Hills Have Eyes, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Deliverance, Last House on the Left, with nothing more to offer; at least it wasn’t a remake. The only thing Wrong Turn has going for it, besides me recognizing many of the actors from TV shows, is the make-up effects. Though, there’s something about watching interbred hillbillies killing people that makes me giggle. Rod Schmidt had the opportunity to do something great with the first in this franchise, and he totally blew it. I’m not surprised that his career was short-lived, and he had no involvement with the sequels that I’m still pondering watching; I’m going with no. Unless you’re really into watching dull...

I guess I See You (2019) is as good of a title as any for this film. I’d never heard of this movie until the other day, so it probably means that it had always been intended to be a direct to video release, and I understand why. The opening scene led me to believe that it was going to be something different; I was expecting more of an It wannabe, but it wasn’t, thank the celluloid gods. When it gets going, I figured it was going to be a murder mystery, then strange things started happening in the Harper house, and I thought, oh, is it ghosts from the abducted children? I really liked that idea; the ghosts of the dead kids coming to tell the detective where the bodies were buried. Nope, that wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t haunting at all, but phrogging. For those that don’t know what that is, it’s when strangers occupy a home without the owners/tenants knowing. That shit happens at about halfway through the film, and the point of view of the movie changes at the same, making most of what h...